Reflections

Recently, Shri J. P. Kaushik gave me a list of questions for my thoughts, as a part of a discussion we were having. Following are my reflections on each of them.

What one possible key or model role should the parents play in upbringing their children?

Time demands numerous roles to be played by parents in front of their children. It is also more important because child should understand difference between the roles. However, if I am to think about one role that’s critical in upbringing children, it would be of a friend – a close friend.

All blood relations are forced on a child. This is the only relation which a child makes on his/her own. In fact, a teacher is also forced on a child by parents and a good teacher is always a good friend who students can relate to. Teacher can understand their problems and push them in the direction of his/her vision. Good teachers are like God and so are good friends J.

A child is happiest with a friend where he/she can even talk about inner fears (if any) which can’t be told to parents (fear of life– Sigmund Freud). Friendliness by parents helps them nurture their child better. A child becomes more honest and open to parents. I disagree with the statement by Goswami Tulsidas in Ramcharitmanas “Bhay binu preeti na hoi Gosai” (when taken in isolation). He must have meant it in a context (of Lord Ram trying to vaporize the ocean), but people take it literally. If that’s the case, how would one describe love between Radha and Krishna? Love is between two equals – I very much believe in it. And only two friends are equal. Whether two equals can love each other or love makes them equal – this is beyond the scope of answer. All other ‘Love’s have several qualifications (including parental love).

My distance with my parents will diminish if I can tell them anything I feel like. And this is a natural tendency of a person in childhood, which usually doesn’t get any support from parents. This natural tendency gradually dies down and parents create a wall between the child and themselves and keep on solidifying the wall slowly and steadily. It’s not impossible to break the wall later on, but requires an intense will and high efforts which most people lack. So, in my opinion, parents should play a role of a good friend in upbringing their children.

What one sentimental obligation do the children need to fulfill as and when the parents become expectant?

I believe that children, unconditionally, need to fulfill all parents’ expectations.

Even though the above statement has word “Unconditionally”, and I mean so, it has a small pre-requisite of a good discussion among the children and parents. Parents want X to happen and children want Y instead. If we focus on the underlying reasons of difference, we would find in majority of cases, both want children’s happiness. Such is the innate nature of parents that they want children’s happiness at any cost. Now the difference lies in understanding the child. Do they understand the child or bigger question: does the child understand him/herself? If answer to any of the above questions is negative, then, discussion is of immense use. In case of conflicts even after a discussion, I believe that children need to fulfill all parents’ expectations which don’t harm them.

What attributes would you like to find in your would-be partner?

A very tough question, indeed. Answer is I do not know. The only thing I care is she should feel happy with me and my world.

How far should parents limit their hopes, expectations and aspirations when their sensible ward is looking for a suitable match?

Innate nature of parents is to see their children happy at any cost. There are two most important decisions of life: 1. Education 2. Marriage and all parents (consciously or unconsciously) realize these. Having more experience of life and having made all crucial decisions for their ward (including the education), they want to make the second decision also for him/her. And I don’t see anything wrong anywhere. But expectations always create problems.

The problem arises in above theory when we include practicality. The above theory applies in ideal scenarios. It’s certainly true that innate nature of parents wants to see their child happy, but parents are also human. And every human has an ego to satisfy. So, in case of discussions which I said are a pre-requisite for a child to fulfill all of the parents’ expectations, the openness element is missing. Parents (as human) want to force their element of seniority/superiority and in the process, the core friendship is lost. And when that’s the case, it’s a fight between a ruler and the ruled, employer and employee, boss and subordinate… and we all know the results.

Coming back to the core question and focusing on the word “Sensible ward”, when parents believe that their children are sensible enough to make a decision for them, they should realize that this sensibility of their children would involve them also in the decision making process. Also, if there are some conflicts, disagreements etc., their children will make a good decision. Parents should realize (at some point) that their disagreement can be a result of their ego. I am definitely not saying that this is the case, but there is a possibility and I am taking this out given that the child is sensible.

If you are made to choose between the devil and the deep sea, what will be your choice and why?

I can recall one famous Doha from “Manishi Satsai”, read in Library, Halwasiya Vidya Vihar, Bhiwani.

Duvidha ho man mein agar, Karo na koi Kaam.

Har Sankalp Vikalp Taj, Bhajo Raam ka naam.

If both the situations are equally painful, and I don’t have a clue on which one to decide, I’ll leave the situation in Almighty’s hands. In reality, I don’t have a choice in such a situation. In case, one situation is slightly favorable, undoubtedly, I’ll opt for that.

If you happen to choose between your own happiness and the happiness of your parents, how will you reconcile the two?

Is there any real difference? They are both are the same.

Advaita says we are all the same, and so, every human being’s happiness must be the same. We are just a part of our parents and beyond any doubt, our happiness can’t be any different from the parents’ happiness. But in the spirit of the question, I agree that there are differences and they arise out of our ignorance (Maya by Advaita again).

If I am in a situation where I have to choose between my own happiness and my parents’ happiness, I’ll discuss the issue in detail with them. I am confident of resolving the issue through dialogue. If it doesn’t happen and I have to take the decision on my own, I’ll do a NPV (Net Present Value) analysis.

Option 1: If I take a decision making them happy today, and I suffer from the output – causing their unhappiness too for a long time.

Option 2: If I make them unhappy today but the output is certain to be pleasant, which will make them happy in the long term (obviously not without a feeling that I made them unhappy at one time).

If I am sure of the long-term happiness from my decision, OR I am sensible OR I am clear that my parents want my happiness etc. (all the conditions are same), I’ll choose option 2 and in the longer term, my parents will realize that I made a good decision.

If however, my parents consciously ask me to do something which they know will hurt me for a long time (it is possible due to humanness of all parents), I’ll follow their decision provided I am not causing harm to any other third party. A child should religiously follow parent’s advice.